Navigating Unwanted Advances in Public: When Do You Let Him Down?

I notice a recent revival in “starting conversations with women in public” discourse. On one hand, folks say women are overly defensive, unfairly assuming the worst of men. On the other hand, folks say if women get in situations that make them feel uncomfortable, they only have themselves to blame for getting there.

In reality, there isn’t a dichotomy between letting an unfamiliar man talk to you and letting him down. You can politely push past discomfort for a while, but if he wants to keep pursuing you, you’ll have to let him down eventually. You know at any step, though, he might view such behavior as unfair. And maybe he’s right! You don’t want to treat someone unfairly, do you? When’s the fair time to let him down?

Let’s walk through this familiar sequence of what happens when a man who sees you in public is really interested in you. There are some real aggressive predators out there, but let’s assume this is a more typical case, a man who isn’t doing anything outright wrong. He just wants to interact with you much more than you want to interact with him.

1. You’re riding the public bus, earbuds in, when you notice a man making eye contact with you, mouthing something. You take your earbuds out. “Hi, what’s your name? I’m Darren,” he says. You have a boyfriend back home, but even if you didn’t, you clearly wouldn’t click with this man. He looks decades older than you. It feels weird. What do you do?

A) Think, He’s just trying to get in my pants. And he won’t. You don’t want to get his hopes up, so you ignore him.

• You let him down! For no reason! This could’ve been a respectful gentleman who just wanted a nice conversation, but you gave him no chance! You’re proof that women these days are cold and shallow.

B) Say, “Hi, my name’s Lucia.”

• Proceed to the next step.

2. What’s going on? I’m just heading to work. Where do you work? Are you from here? He makes small talk by dumping information about himself and asking you to share the same. What do you do?

A) Cut him off at some point. You’re not really interested in this conversation, especially when it involves handing over personal information to a stranger with unknown intentions.

• You let him down! Are you assuming he’s a predator or something? How rude. All he wanted was to make some conversation! Where did women’s social graces go?

B) Answer truthfully. He’s just trying to make conversation. “Yeah, I’m a local. I go to college out of state, and right now my courses are online, so I’m spending this semester living with my family.”

• Proceed to the next step.

3. As the conversation continues, he drops this: “You’re very beautiful.” What do you say?

A) “I’m flattered, but I have a boyfriend.”

• You let him down! He never said, “I want to be your boyfriend.” Women these days can’t just accept a compliment. He worked up the courage to talk to you, and you won’t even let him be nice to you?

B) “Thank you!” You don’t know his intentions. It’s just a compliment.

• Proceed to the next question.

4. His next question: “Can I get your number?” What do you say?

A) “I’m flattered, but nah. I have a boyfriend. Have a good day!” Your answer is final. No proceeding from here — you put your earbuds back in.

• You let him down! Maybe he’s just trying to meet people the old-fashioned way and stay in touch. You think you’re that special, that every man who talks to you is trying to be your boyfriend?

B) “Well, I’m not sure what your intentions are, but I hope you’re aware I have a boyfriend.” Who knows? Maybe it’s innocuous. If not, this should let him down gently, once and for all.

• Proceed to the next question.

5. “I just wanna chat! That’s all,” he says. What do you say?

A) “No thanks.” You truly don’t care to chat.

• You let him down! He didn’t even do anything wrong, and you don’t want to talk to him? You probably have some stupid shallow rule that deems him unworthy— no short men, no [insert ethnicity] men, no men who ride the public bus instead of a sleek expensive car. You think you’re all that? You’re not even everything he wants, and he gave you a chance, so why not return the favor?

B) “Sure.” What’s the harm? It’s not like you have to keep texting him. You hand over your number.

• Proceed to the next question.

6. “Do you want to hang out sometime? Just hanging out.” He tells you about the places he’d love to see. What do you say?

A) “No thanks. I’m good.”

• You let him down! Is he really so disgusting that you don’t want to be in his presence? Even if he’s going to pay for you to have a good time? Goodness knows, he’s probably lonely. He thought he found someone he could connect with in this area, but nope. You just had to be selfish and let him down.

B) “That sounds nice, but…” Come up with some excuse.

• Proceed to the next question.

7. He keeps suggesting ways you could spend time together. He says, “I’m so lonely!” What do you say?

A) “I’m sorry, but I’m not interested.”

• You let him down! You know he’s lonely, and you just don’t care? I thought you said an outing with him sounded nice.

B) “Hmm, I don’t know. I’ll see about it.”

• Proceed to the next question.

8. He texts you later. What do you do?

A) Ignore him.

• You let him down! He waited in excitement for you to reply…and he feels tricked now that he realized what you did. You sure got his hopes up. Liar.

B) Continue chatting. He just wants someone to talk to!

• Proceed to the next question.

9. He asks you specific questions about what time and place you’re down to hang out. What do you do?

A) Finally admit — in a tact, painstakingly crafted paragraph — that you are not available at all, that you just don’t wish to spend time with him, that you wish him well, bye.

• You really let him down!

B) Keep dodging it with more excuses, holding on to the connection with him, but never get around to making any plans. He’s got to give up at some point.

• Maybe he will get the hint and give up, feeling let down.
• And what if he doesn’t? After all, you did get his hopes up! You told him about yourself. You gave him your number. You said an outing with him sounded nice. He doesn’t want to waste what looks like an opportunity to spend time with a young woman he fancies. He didn’t know it, but you knew this from the start: eventually, you had to let him down.

I’d be astounded if such a man’s motives ever turned out to be purely platonic. Don’t kid yourself. Why would he strike up a conversation with you, not a fellow man on the bus? He might say he just wants to “chat,” but it still gives him a kind of thrill that he doesn’t give you.

Whenever this happens, I usually terminate it all the way at Step 8, putting up with all the awkward steps before it. I struggle to assert myself, but I refuse to (B)-path myself into an unwelcome date.

Let him down early, and it seems unfair — you could’ve given him more of a chance. Let him down later, and it seems cruel — you could’ve let him know sooner.

What would you do? Is there a most proper step to let him down?